Haven’t logged in on this account in awhile. Figured I’d give you a heads up about my life.

No boys to talk about unfortunately…

I had a small crush on this guy Tony, but that ended up going nowhere as I expected.

I’m going to focus on me for as long as I can, and then we’ll see what happens.

I would just like to meet a guy though, like in person, but I don’t know how to do that.

I’ve been trained too much online, what with finding both of my ex’s (discluding Kegan) online. So online dating is NOT happening.

But other than that, school is going alright, I guess. I’m ready to be done with it and come back to St. Louis.

I didn’t get hired at Six Flags, which was a huge bummer because I fuckin’ loved that job. Tomorrow, I’m going there to try on costumes for characters I think. I kind of hope I don’t get it because I just don’t want to be a character, but I still have to go to it. I made a promise and I don’t back out of those. Plus, if I want any chance of being hired again, then I should stick with it. Who knows? Maybe another one of the performers will drop out and I’ll get back in again like last year <_< doubtful but possible.

My relationship with my friends has been getting fixed lately. Instead of feeling like I could trust no one, I have a few select people that I’ve told certain things and have been able to trust them.

I should go to sleep now, but I updated my blog in case you didn’t see and I’ll do some more tweaking to it tomorrow as well as my blog that I post much more frequently on. 

Night, friends!

30 Day Rant Challenge. Day 18 - Stereotypes

Honestly, stereotypes is something that bothers me A LOT.

Some people tend to live the stereotypes.

Granted, I definitely seem to fill certain stereotypes: liking pop music, being obsessed with Lady GaGa, performing in musical theater, and being unable to function without buying a piece of clothing at least once a month (hey, I’m broke; I can’t exactly go to Express every week and buy a $225 coat each week).

But, I hate when people jump to stereotypes. Like that I have to be really flaming because I’m gay. Or that I know nothing about sports. Or that I can’t like any other type of music.

Ok, maybe I am alittleflaming. But not the flaming that annoys you. And maybe I don’t know everything about sports, but I do still know some shit. And I actually like to listen to other music that isn’t pop every now and then.

I just hate that people jump to conclusions on people based on stereotypes.

The Thing With Boys…

So, lately, I’ve just had way too much drama involving boys. 

Let’s remember Kegan came back into my life about 3 months ago.

My cousin called me and told me that Kegan was arrested and sent to boot camp for the marines which is where he was at the time she told me. Considering that he probably just joined at the time, it meant he had 12 weeks to be there.

So, his 12 weeks have definitely been up and I’ve been waiting on him to call or text or something, but no luck. Nothing.

My guess is he found some hot Marine guy to date or something, but I don’t know.

At the time that I found out about him, I was already on the verge of liking someone (and then pushing myself to not like him) so we’ll see what happens.

My guess is that he’ll make his way into my life again at a really inconvenient time.

Then there’s this guy, Jordan, who lives close to my school. Same age, and he’s really pretty. And when I say that it worries me because like he’s pretty and I don’t know if I want to go for pretty or not. Like, yeah, he’s really chill and laid back and seems masculine enough for me. I don’t know, maybe I’m just convincing myself it wouldn’t work out.

He reminds me a lot of a guy I used to like.

And then this other guy that actually lives in St. Louis kik’d me today and is an army guy and 21 years old. His name is Peter, but he’s really in the closet. Like he keeps telling me that if we’d ever hang out I’d have to be discreet about it. That worries me. Not that I want to rush him out or anything, but like, if we ever did date, he couldn’t tell a lot of people.

Ugh, I don’t know. I just know that if Jordan and I are just friends I’ll be OK and if nothing happens between Peter and I, then fine, and if Kegan fucking never responds, then cool.

I’m gonna be happy this year one way or another.

30 Day Rant Challenge. Day 17 - Tumblr Without Pictures

Tumblr without pictures wouldn’t be too bad, I suppose, but I feel like most of Tumblr involves multiple GIFS and JPG’s that make text posts slightly more funny.

How am I supposed to rant about this? Like what?

Poetry Postings

I’m going to start posting my poetry here, so here’s my first poem from about 2 years ago.

Zombie Love

The single life attacks me

like a gunshot

The bullet goes right through the heart

Did that really just happen?

Yet still I am alive, or am I?

Am I just a heartless zombie that walks 

around this earth,

waiting on someone to

take me beyond?

Am I a horrifying monster that wants

to eat the hearts of

everyone I know and love?

Love is overrated,

isn’t it?

Being in love is so overrated.

Everyone always talks about

"Oh, we’re in love"

but since when do teenagers know

anything about love?

Since when do I know anything about love?

since that time when I was 100% positive

that my heart belonged to you.

30 Day Rant Challenge. Day 16 - Long Distance Relationships

So honestly I think long-distance relationships shouldn’t be attempted unless you have met the person before and have started the relationship before moving long-distance, such as a college relationship. That’s acceptable. But it’s hard to date someone you haven’t met in real life and stay attached to them. That’s my honest opinion.

Like me with trying to date Kegan, or Gracen.

It’s just difficult.

That’s why I’m never doing long distance relationships again.

Need to Let This All Out.

Honestly, I hate how easy it is for me to fall for someone.

I usually like all the wrong guys for me. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, please check this page

Basically, I’ve had a SHITTY love life.

I’ve probably had about 100 guys like me, and I haven’t liked them back. Why? Cause I’m too picky.

I also only like the masculine guys, which means that 90% of the guys I like are straight. While 9% of the other 10% are actually just not interested in me or taken or both.

You know, I’ve been told I’m attractive by SO many people, and yes, I believe it.

But the way that I see it there’s different styles of “attractive” and the style that I have is not good enough for the style of “attractive” that I like. 

I like muscly guys. Not like the muscle gods, but I like my guys to have some meat on them and look good.

I’ve had a few guys that have “liked” me back that are not my style of “attractive”. 

Wait, maybe I should explain that more.

There’s like cute, which is me; I’m all twinky, small, and I have pretty eyes, and a decent body. That’s my “attractive”

The guys that i think are attractive are what I explained earlier.

And they usually don’t like the cute guys like me, they like the hot guys like themselves.

Currently, I sort of like a guy Gracen. Unique name, right? I agree. He’s sweet, sensitive, attractive, and honestly treats me like a prince.

Downside? He lives in Texas. Which is, as you can guess, nowhere near where I live.

But currently, I think he’s losing trust in me. 

So, last night, I was talking to my friend Clay. He’s 17, lives in Texas, and is fairly attractive; football player and swimmer. I liked him for the earlier part of the summer, but then realized that I didn’t actually like him as much, so we had that awkward time where we didn’t really talk to each other, but I think we’ve fixed it as of lately and are now just really good friends.

Anyways, he asked me to give him a shoutout on Instagram. Me being the nice guy that I am, said “Sure!” because I wanted to help him out. He told me he wanted to see if there were any guys in his area he could be interested in.

So, I gave this long shpeal about how he was a great guy and how everyone should follow him, and of course I added all my usual hashtags.

A few hours later, Gracen sends a picture of the shoutout and asks what it is. I’m honest about it and tell him it’s just a shoutout for my friend Clay and that we were really good friends and that he asked for a shoutout. He mentioned the description, which had the hashtags of “hot”, “sexy”, “stud”, “beautiful”… all sorts of stuff like that and I said I used them all the time and was just using them to help him get more views. I apologized and said I could take it down and he said it was ok but that he wished I had told him. So, we started talking a little bit more, but lately he hasn’t responded as much.

Now, granted, he may have just been INCREDIBLY busy tonight. But, he also could be losing interest. Honestly, I’m not surprised. Everyone loses interest in me.

When I was coming to college, I came with the mindset that I was going to just go to school, do work, have some fun, but not like any guys. Cause I didn’t want to have to deal with heartbreak.

But, look what happened. I ended up liking a guy from Texas.

Ugh…I just…I don’t know what to do anymore…honestly. I’m so hopelessly lost.

Today was a super rough day as well, and I just need it to be over.

vitalsines said: Real connections take time. It’s unfortunate- but all too common that this kind of ‘baiting’ happens. I hope everything works out for you and that you find the answers you need. Openness and honesty are paramount to a healthy relationship.

Thank you sir. I just can’t believe I fell for this if it was a joke. I honestly don’t know anymore. I mean, I’m not sure why it would be a joke. To teach me a lesson? To make me feel like I actually don’t deserve someone like him? I don’t know. Whatever the case, I shouldn’t dwell on it because chances are it’s not going to happen. It was too coincidental that he was going to a college right by me. I mean it is possible, but I really doubt it. I’ll be OK though. I’m just a little…desperate…right now, dare I say, and I need to work on being happy without someone. I had it once, before Kegan; now I’m just not so sure anymore.

Thoughts…

Honestly, I just have a lot on my mind right now.

I haven’t had a legit crush in a very long time.

Like infatuation.

The last infatuation I had was with Michael and that was last October.

Since then, I’ve had minor crushes, an awful relationship, and a time period where crushes didn’t even exist and I was attempting to go back to my old crushes, thinking I still had some chance with them.

After I dated Ryan, I had a long period of time before I actually sort of liked someone. A whole four months. 

And then came Kegan.

Kegan, to my knowledge, was a 19-year old living in California, who was graduating from some high school there and going to college here in St. Louis.

A bit coincidental, to be honest…

Also coincidental? He had dated my cousin Allison.

My cousin Allison who I hadn’t talked to in four years.

So, how did I meet Kegan?

Sometime in April, I signed up for this website, myYearbook, and to be honest, I was addicted.

I get addicted to websites like crazy. Right now, my addiction is Instagram because it’s so easy to get followers, and likes on my pictures. 

But I signed up just to try it out. I knew my sister had an account and I thought there might be a slight chance I’d find someone decent on there.

So give it a few weeks after I got it, Kegan adds me and I, being the person that I am, accept the request. He messaged me shortly after and was using all sorts of smilies and flirting like crazy.

To my knowledge, I knew Kegan to be exactly who I had made him out to be. He was the quarterback of his high school football team. He was extremely attractive. I honestly didn’t understand why he “liked” me.

So we talked a lot.

It was only about 3 days after we had talked all the time that he asked me to be his boyfriend.

Me being crazy and stupid, said yes.

3 days? Couldn’t I have done way better?

I guess I just decided that since I wasn’t going to see him anytime soon, it really didn’t matter how long I waited for the relationship.

And besides, he asked. He was cute enough. I guess, I just figured I might as well.

However, the relationship wasn’t healthy for me.

I ended up lying to some of my friends about meeting him because I figured some of them wouldn’t support the relationship if it was online or I hadn’t actually met him. They’d call me stupid. And honestly, I was and am stupid. Why did I ever do this? I don’t know. I guess I just thought there was a good chance of making this happen.

All sorts of communication with him were done through myYearbook though. We never Skyped, or texted, or friended each other on Facebook (because he didn’t have one); just talked over myYearbook.

About a week or so into the relationship, I get a call from “my favorite cousin” while I’m at the mall. I was shocked but answered it. She told me she knew who I was dating and that she had dated Kegan long ago, before he was gay. I thought it was crazy and she told me he had given her my number, telling her that I made him smile so much and gave him butterflies.

In theory, the relationship wasn’t that bad. There were some days I didn’t talk to Kegan and I missed him but then other days he would make up for it and say something truly heart-wrenching.

He had a way with words. And the only reason I kept it going was because I knew he was going to school in St. Louis, my cousin had dated him and said he was a great guy, and he was actually really attractive.

So then, after dating for about a month or so, I went to view our messages and saw the thread was deleted. But I hadn’t deleted it. I looked for his profile. Deleted. 

I texted my cousin and asked her if she knew, and she said she didn’t because the only way she could communicate with him was through this website.

So, what does this mean?

Well, to start on a more positive note,

1) he deleted his account because he didn’t have any use for it anymore. He has my number but is unable to do anything with it for God knows what reason and is potentially waiting to get to St. Louis to meet me in person and start a relationship.

^That’s me being super positive.

2) He faked it all. Maybe he was actually gay, but didn’t actually like me, and thought it’d be funny to lead me on and break my heart. [kind of reminds me of a similar situation i’m in right now to be honest…] 

3) He actually died. And his mom or someone deleted his account without letting anyone know that he was dead.

Any other excuses? I’m not sure. Honestly, I’d like to hope he still has my number and is going to use it when he comes to St. Louis or something. I’d be willing to make an actual relationship in person happen. And maybe talk about what happened and see his side.

If he’s the same person I talked to online, the Kegan who actually really likes me and wants me, then it’s worth it.

If he is actually a dousche who’s just messing with my feelings, not worth it.

I don’t know. Perhaps I’m just crazy right now. This isn’t something I should be hoping for to be honest…

My life wouldn’t be that awesome.

I don’t deserve that at all.

Tonight was such a letdown.

I went to Gay Prom last year and had a BLAST. It was such a fun time, except when the Drag Show started and took forever to end. My friends and I went around the place and just hung out until it was over and then came back and danced. I even had some guys dancing with me, some checking me out, and felt really good about myself.

So I had high expectations for tonight,

and I was let down big time.

I walked in for the pre-event, which was a total waste of time. There were a bunch of untalented people singing and lip-syncing on this tiny stage for an hour and we were all just supposed to stand there. Uh, what kind of pre-event is that?

So then we walk in at 8 when the actual prom starts and sit down and eat until some of our friends get there. Music wasn’t really kicking until about 8:30 and then we started dancing like crazy.

At 9, the drag show started and it was sort of fun at first but then it got really boring so we went over and hung out for a little bit. We grabbed some condoms, made some condom balloons and then took pictures with them. 

After that, we went to go dance for a little bit and then the drag show continued up again and so we watched a little bit, then one of the drag queens pointed out this super attractive guy Alex. Like, I basically dropped my jaw when I saw him and couldn’t stop staring at him. He. Was. Beautiful. So I like obsessed over him and my friends were like “let’s get you to talk to him” but I was way too nervous.

He was watching the show so we went and danced behind him as the show was going on and they bumped me into him and I apologized and he sort of smiled and then my friends claim he looked at me twice. 

After that, I was just way too nervous to do anything so I didn’t, and he ended up leaving.

But, fuck, I had butterflies standing next to him. I’m such a mess tbh.

I worked on this in the car today…but honestly I can’t see anything coming out of it.

Is it weird to like someone

you’ve hardly ever met,

yet you want to live with them

until the day you’re dead?

It’s stupid, it’s crazy

yet, baby, so amazing

that I could fall so fast

and even lose track

of where I’m going

Cause you’re giving me all these butterflies

when I look in your eyes, I’ll tell no lies,

because you deserve the truth.

And maybe I just need to go,

cause you’ll say no, …

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